Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Diary of an Englishman in Durban
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Durban!! Now this is
A city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the
verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 c today. Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 30 c all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's kind of windy though.
But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.
October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.
I learned my lesson though.... Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate
like this.
October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen
Up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the R15,000 leather
upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes
And cat sh*t.
I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th:
The wind sucks! It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot
as hell.
The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged
R200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody R1,450,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?
November 4th:
It's 35 degrees C. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost R500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody
Humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I
hate this stupid place.
November 8th:
If another wise ars*e cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
strangle him.
Bloody heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator is boiling
over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat!!
November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black
leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ars*e was on fire. I lost 2
layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my ars*e.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ars*e and baked cat.
November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny,
Hot and sunny, Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2
Damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next,
So my R20,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody
pool.
Even the palms can't live in this heat.
November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! The temperature got to 38 c today. Now the
air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said,
"Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the R2,500 house
Payment to bail my ars*e out of jail for assaulting the repairman.
Bloody Durban. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live
here?
December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer????
You've got to be kidding me!
--
[Thanks to Andrew VDW for the email]
A city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the
verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 c today. Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 30 c all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's kind of windy though.
But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.
October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.
I learned my lesson though.... Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate
like this.
October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen
Up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the R15,000 leather
upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes
And cat sh*t.
I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th:
The wind sucks! It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot
as hell.
The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged
R200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody R1,450,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?
November 4th:
It's 35 degrees C. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost R500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody
Humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I
hate this stupid place.
November 8th:
If another wise ars*e cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
strangle him.
Bloody heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator is boiling
over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat!!
November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black
leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ars*e was on fire. I lost 2
layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my ars*e.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ars*e and baked cat.
November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny,
Hot and sunny, Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2
Damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next,
So my R20,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody
pool.
Even the palms can't live in this heat.
November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! The temperature got to 38 c today. Now the
air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said,
"Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the R2,500 house
Payment to bail my ars*e out of jail for assaulting the repairman.
Bloody Durban. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live
here?
December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer????
You've got to be kidding me!
--
[Thanks to Andrew VDW for the email]
Technorati Tags: joke, Durban, Englishman
# posted by Roger Saner @ 3:07 pm 
